When I pressed the send button back in January of this year I felt anything but relief. I should have felt it though, I should have been smiling and thinking positive thoughts. I should have been able to say: Wow that is the best I could have done. 

I didn't. It wasn't.  

It felt rushed and I felt as if I had cheated those characters out of their story. They had something important to say and I had the nerve to rush them just to meet a deadline for a contest. It wasn't as if there weren't any other contests running around, it wasn't as if this was the last contest that was going to be offered.  

It was however the first time I had ever considered sharing my work with anyone and I was scared. I was scared because I knew that wasn't the best I could do. I knew I cheated my characters, myself and potential readers out of a good, no, a great story all because I rushed. I ran out of time. 

A few days after I submitted the story I received an email from the person who was in charge. He asked if I wouldn't mind sharing the book on his website, at which time they would offer the book to readers for I believe a sum of $5.00, giving them the first chapter for free. I, being naïve and still very nervous allowed him to post it. He said he read it and liked it.  

I had my doubts even then. I think I told a few people about it but silently berated myself for even entering the contest to begin with. I swallowed back my disappointment in myself and threw myself in Behind Blue Eyes once again. I was determined that I would never allow myself to cheat a story like that again.  

I think a few weeks passed and I still had a nagging voice in my head yelling at me to fix it. I would wake up at the oddest hours with thoughts of I should have done this or I should have added that. It would have been better if only.  

If only is not something a writer wants to think once a story has ended. They want to say: I gave it the best I had and I'm moving on now with positive thoughts to give myself fully to my next story. Yeah, notsomuch on my end.  

I set Behind Blue Eyes on the back burner. Again.  

I printed River of Tears and grabbed a red pen. I grabbed a big bottle of water and sat my rear on a patio chair. And I read as a reader with suggestions to the author. I went thru each page and I marked it and marked it. I had pages and pages of red marks and writing. I even used a notebook to rewrite what I thought the author should have done in the first place. (Remember, I was playing reader here, not the actual author) 

Voting for the best stories was to be done by February 15th and we were coming on the deadline. I was a wreck. I looked at the red marks and knew that the story, as it was, would never win. I needed another chance to change that story.  

February 20th appeared and still I hadn't heard anything, I was almost grateful. I was hoping the contest was canceled. Unfortunately it wasn't, however they did extend it to draw more contestants, and the new deadline was now March 15th.  

I kept reading that story, kept making notes to the author, and ignored that contest. All I did know was that I owed these characters and I would not let them down again. Even if the revised version never saw the light of day, I was giving them what they wanted. I was giving myself another chance. I was going to give that story the best I had to give it.  

I took the suggestions that the reader in me had and I went back to the computer, pulled River of Tears up, and began. I worked for hours and hours, for days and weeks until I finally said: This is it. This is what it should have been all along. 

March 15th came and all the contestants received a- Dear John letter. The contest was canceled!  

I finally found my smile. 

River of Tears, which had been locked up in that contest since January and out of my control, was once again MINE. I once again had complete control over MY story! I promised it once I typed that last revised line that it would, no, that they would (my characters) get the opportunity that I almost cheated them out of.  

The thing is, I lost complete control over my own story for three long months. I lost the ability to have any sort of say so over what would happen to it. I learned a lot during that time as I had been doing some research on publishing. I looked at agents, publishing houses and the more I read, the more determined I became to do things my way. I took a whole different route this time.  

My story was as good as I could get it. I was ready to share it for real this time. I was proud of it and I wanted people to read this story. I had a smile that warmed my heart. I did the best I could do. It was time to do something about it. 

And I did…